I had a long weekend back in SF. I took this woman all over the region from Santa Cruz to Presidio and showed her all the things that would make her happy. She loved it and completely fell in love with the area. She couldn't believe that I was telling the truth about everything (how beautiful the area is, how physically ugly the people are, and how god damn expensive it is).
We role played for a few days that we were in a relationship and I was showing her the area. I was still recovering from my surgery but even more importantly - this was the death rattle of our time together as lovers. I've grown more distant to this woman and care for her a lot but on this trip I felt love for her but not the kind that would blossom into an ever lasting relationship.
I've been really having a hard time adjusting with so many factors. I'm in my third year of living in NYC, I miss the bay area, I'm losing my apartment and have to find another, and I still can't get a job due to this frozen ass economy. I've been stuck in team match for closing in on a year with one of the biggest tech companies because they simply aren't hiring. I'm plenty good at interviewing but no one is really hiring.
And all the while, I feel that this surgery was quite intense for what will be minor payoff. It truly is a 1% better type thing. It's going to be unnoticeable on the daily but it's like having your teeth a couple shades whiter. It'll subtly move you towards being more attractive and therefore getting people to acknowledge you as a potential suitor.
I'm just feeling down because I turn 35 sooner than later and this is just not the life I've imagined a 35 year old me would be doing. Cosmetic surgery? Unemployed? Nearly homeless? Unable to find a woman who is suitable for a relationship? It's incredible to think I've worked so hard at so many facets of my life and I've still come up so incredibly short. It truly speaks as to how much is determined by your genetics and the environment you're born into. I've truly done incredible things to get where I am and I've never met anyone who has gone from where I was and gotten to where I am. But the fact I am no closer after three years of insane effort to being in a happy family speaks to how broken the idea of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps is.
The woman who I spent time with is great in many ways btw. If it wasn't for a few things, she would otherwise be very good. The biggest one though is that I just don't have that urge - that urge that normally compels me to be with someone and talk to them endlessly and want to always be around them. It's not there at all and never really was there to begin with. I've tried to make it happen but it isn't there. I want it to be because then my life would be easier (not perfect) but it hasn't happened and I've really given it a shot.
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You smell like desperation and neuroticism
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This is advanced cuckoldry
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I think it's time for you to start Manifestation-maxxing son
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It's over
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what surgery is it
Maybe try going on T I guess?
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or just break it off like a man and look for someone else jfc
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I dont think looking for someone else will help them if they are suffering from a general lack of sexual desire, which is what I read. It might benefit them to go nofap or something
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I have more natural T than 99.99% of men out there. I'm at 1200ng/dl naturally. I'm a genetic oddity and not just cause I was born ugly.
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Are you lacking that drive for connection with her or do you not feel that with anyone? Are you going for women that seem great on paper, but you just don't have chemistry with?
You should feel proud of coming as far as you have. If you have solid technical skills, you can probably freelance while you wait for something more stable to come through. Get yourself stable and out of fear of homelessness and then you can focus on finding a woman you love. Or you can try to find a woman to rescue you - some girls go for that - but it probably won't end well: usually one or the other person ends up resentful.
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It's mostly with her. I've felt this kind of connection with other women. It's not super common by any stretch but it does happen. The biggest barrier, honestly, is that most women just don't find me physically attractive and therefore any kind of connection like that just doesn't happen so often because they're not interested. It's why I did cosmetic surgery, lift so much, focus on improving my appearance, etc. I'm not really that interested in being physically attractive but women won't date me unless they think I am significantly physically attractive to them.
Freelance isn't really a big thing in my industry. It's either full salaried or nothing. Right now, the job market is basically frozen. No one is switching jobs and therefore the openings are few and far between. I'm not hurting for money - it just makes renting apartments and some other aspects of life more complicated. Plus I do think I would be better off with a job.
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a year in team matching it aint happening bro just get a remote bank job and a settle down with a cornfed broad in the midwest
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